one night (to forget)

fuck fuck fuck words disappeared and i can’t find them again.

Hey, it’s all right though. You didn’t destroy them, they’re just gone.

buzzing fly in my ear, were you formed from them?

dunno. what will you do when you are alone.

This:

and this:

and that and those.

Here and there and over yonder somewhere.

Hires for hideousness.

them:

and me:

me me me mememememememmememmemem crazy bitch
want to jump into the sea

I guess this is what you do without a guest. we have a vacancy inside of that skull. cos I’m about to break the lease.

The crinkling is everywhere. I see it in sheets and I hear it in space. Coming from the back lower left. Let’s locate everything.

There’s another idea. Define things by location not by meaning or components. Why should we privilige physical properties or characteristics of anything? Why doesn’t something exist as it does? Stop categorizing things. Everything is different.

I see depression. It is to the right and back, in the lower position. My dominant side. And crouching, down there watching and waiting. I forget about it. Who looks down all the time? I’m fucking depressed, but I’m not some shoegazer. I love the wide world. The sky. The sun the moon the stars. All of it. I want it all. Every flea, blade of grass, beautiful face and ugly foot. And I’m so busy wanting it, I forget about you, depression. And you sure need your attention! You grab my ankle. I wish you’d just crush the bone and really piss me off so I’d do something. You’re really just a minor annoyance. But debilitating.

How funny. An irritating kitten just bit onto my foot and won’t let go.

Funny how shit works out.

Food, drink and drugs.

Some things I will never understand. Most things are indistinct. Or not distinct enough to determine them, define them. Why do you spend so much time trying to simplify things? Stop making them the same. It’s not easier. Simplicity is not simplification. If everything has the same answer, it’s easy to determine that it is the answer. However, if that answer is one long rambling paragraph is it a useful answer? If it is not useful does that make it useless? Is it just use(d)? Who is the one using it and what is it being used for?

That is why I make new paragraphs every few lines. Gotta impose some structure even if in action it is seemingly random. Meaning seems to come from rereading and not writing or rewriting. Fuck the edit. The delete. I write to read my own work. I have no right to interpret what you write, but, please, take mine.

This is how I write. But it’s not what I write. This is the process of writing. What I write is somewhere else, or it’s somewhere further along this page. Eventually this will flow into what it wasn’t supposed to be, sorry.

You will always digress. And avoid. Because you’re trying to avoid the void that you know or think exists inside of you?

Just face up, man. Face up to the fraudulence. If any of this seems worthy of anything when you read this, it’s all a fucking fluke. This shouldn’t be pretty and I don’t think that it is.

Digress digress digress. You know there’s something you’re running from, you aren’t genuinely empty. If you were that would be ok, but you’re not so it’s not ok. And it’s not the kind of not ok that is better than ok. It is just not ok. Not the sounds the arbitrary letters o and k make because what the fuck is that. How can that possibly mean all right?

Shit, shut the fuck up already.

Are you really going to keep this up all night? Who are you kidding? You won’t ever read this.